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La douleur exquise

Most people want to save the entire world. It’s a lovely thought and I’m not saying it’s not a noble pursuit, but it’s impossible to save everyone. You just have to pick your little corner of the world and focus your energy on one person. This is where I stand, this is where I fight. That’s the only way you will ever make a difference. For me the choice was easy cause when we first met I was so addicted to him. I remember the exquisite fatigue as I fought off sleep for another hit – another line of conversation. Do you know that feeling when you’re so happy that you can’t imagine ever being sad again? Or when you’re so sad, that you no longer believe you could ever be happy? We do and we were both so damn sick of being predictable; when we met it began snowing in the Sahara. Falling in love with him was like being ten years old again, scaling a tree with my eyes bright and skyward, wanting only to get higher and higher, without a thought of how I would get back down, I lost myself in him. I know he was already spoken for, but sometimes I wished he would take us over the edge and we would be forever young and crazy in love. I only want him safe now. It doesn’t matter if we’re together or apart.

So I want the one I cannot have and it’s driving me mad. I wonder if I ever cross his mind cause for me it happens all the time. I hate myself for staring at the phone. I kept all his texts, just can’t erase them. I’d call him up but I know he’s not alone. I know that I should not hold on, so why can’t I let go? ‘Cause every time I’m with him somehow I forget to breathe. He’s got me like a rag doll, dancing on his string and I keep trying to figure out who he is to me. But maybe all that we were meant to be is beautifully unfinished. I believe there is penance in yearning. There is poverty in giving too much of your heart. When your desire for another is not returned in equal measure – nothing on the world could compensate for the shortfall. Sometimes the loneliest place to be is in love and life will go on without him. Of course, it does. It was just an ending, not the end.

His fingerprints are tattooed on my skin ‘cause he’s the one that I can’t lose. He’s the one that I can’t win and I hate him and I love him. I wish he’d go away. And I hate him and I love him. I wish that he would stay. I'm jealous of the rain that falls upon his skin. It's closer than my hands have been. I'm jealous of the wind that ripples through his clothes. It's closer than his shadow. Oh, I'm jealous of the wind. I'm jealous of the nights that I don't spend with him. I'm wondering who he lays next to. I'm jealous of the love, love that was in here, gone for someone else to share. Oh, I'm jealous of the love. 'Cause I wished him the best of all this world could give and I told him when he left me there's nothing to forgive. But I always thought he'd come back, tell me all he found was heartbreak and misery. It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way he’s happy without me.

October is about trees revealing colours they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well and he has shown his. He’s made his choice and there’s nothing I can do. I don’t think he wants me in his life anymore and I have to find a way to live with that. He said he would still be there for me, but I don’t want to be a mere courtesy – a salvation for his guilt. He won’t hear from me again after today. This is goodbye and I don’t want anyone to worry. I’ll be okay, I always am. I have a thousand things to say to him and a thousand reasons not to. He didn’t deserve me. Not by a long shot, but he had me nonetheless and now after all in cemeteries of memories, our love will lie in caskets.

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